So we had the talk, and we’re nothing. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not heartbroken, but my heart is a little cracked. I feel like I’ve wasted three years of my life. I feel like he doesn’t even care how I feel…even though I know he does. And that’s kind of the hard part. I can’t hate him for this. I can’t say “oh what an asshole, I hope I never see him again.” I can’t just cut him out of my life permanently. He’s one of my best friends. He knows me, and parts of my soul better than most. I just don’t know how to make myself feel better this time. Usually I would talk with HIM to make me feel better. I mean okay listening to Adele probably isn’t helping matters, but I just wish he cared about me the way I do about him. I gotta say the blow to the heart was when he said that in a perfect world our relationship would stay the same. In my perfect world we’d be together, and it’s not that way for him.
As much as I’m going to want to, I can’t wait for him. I hope that this blog doesn’t become a space of those horribly sappy “boo-hoo poor me” quotes and pictures, but don’t react too violently if it does for a little. I’ll be fine, eventually. But right now, the night of, I feel pretty raw. I feel like countless times I’ve made myself vulnerable to him and he has never reciprocated in the way that I have. I still am not over the fact that he doesn’t see us being in a relationship now, but he can picture marrying me and having children with me.
Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements? Even if it leads nowhere?